http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=125615211&blogID=294802733

From Lisa but posted here with edits and additions to replace the bright screaming red lingo that appeared with increasing fury on the original page.

Lisa

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Okay. I just have to know what the frigging fascination is with forwarding chain emails?! I have received every kind of chain email known to man and/or woman and all I can say to those who send them to me is......STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean really, People! Get a frigging life! Do you honestly think that your friends don't really care about you if they don't forward your email to 10 other people and send it back to you? Do you really think that something horrible will happen to you at midnight if you don't annoy the living crap out of everyone you know by forwarding it to them?! And what kind of friend does that make you if you would forward them something that is going to curse their life if they don't have time to annoy the living crap out of everyone they know in their email address book?

Furthermore, I don't give a shart who told you that Bill Gates was going to track an email forward and pay you some insane amount of money for the number of people you send it to. Whoever sent you that is so full of crap I'm amazed they didn't break their freaking computer chair just sitting in it long enough to send you that bullcrap! Think about it...no matter how much money he has he'd be freaking bankrupt in an hour if he paid everyone that forwarded that garbage!

I have caught myself from time to time forwarding this insane garbage mostly because I didn't want to hurt the feelings of whoever sent it to me in the first place. But NO MORE, People! You hear me?! I'm screaming loud and clear: NO MORE CHAIN EMAILS!!!!!!

Contrary to what is obviously popular belief, Billy Joe Jim Bob in Futtfreak Fields, AR did NOT win the lottery 6 hours after he forwarded a chain email. Mary Jo freaktard from Imadumbell, AL did NOT find the love of her life 2 hours after forwarding a freaking chain email. And Tiny Timmy shartforbrains from Uradipstick, MS did not get hit by a freaking train because he failed to forward a chain email!!!!

Cease and desist, People! Cease and desist or I will send that mysterious chain email phantom to your house to send black cats across your path all day, force you to spill salt everytime you touch a salt shaker, cause you to break mirrors everytime you pick one up, push you and make you step on every single crack in the sidewalk, turn every Friday on your calendar into Friday the 13th, block your breath and make you miss blowing out 1 candle every year on your birthday cake, force you to open umbrellas in your house and remove every single stitch of wood from your house so you can't knock on it!!!! And for good measure and just out of total malice I'll have him shart in the back of your toilet tank, whizz in your morning bowl of Cheerio's and fart on your pillows!!!

Now..........If you email a copy of this blog to:

1-5 people: You will have annoyed the shart out of 1-5 people!

6-10 people: You will have aggrevated the whizz out of 6-10 people.

11+ people: You have entirely too much time on your hands and need to step the freak away from your computer!!!

Now, have a nice freaking day.

4:27 AM

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=147510429&blogID=304020484

From KRISTA but with some edits and additions.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Ok, first I have to admit that there was a time, probably a good 10 years ago, when I was pretty "e-gullible," if you will, and I believed the warning emails I received, and I passed them along to my friends and family, out of genuine concern no doubt.

It took ONE response from someone saying, basically, umm, yeah, tardo... this is a hoax - check it out.... to get me to stop forwarding those damn things.

So WHY is it that there are a few people who just can't stop? I swear that if someone sent them the following, they'd forward it:

WARNING!!! LADIES, THIS IS IMPORTANT, SO BE SURE YOU FORWARD IT TO EVERY DAMN PERSON YOU KNOW.

Whatever city you live in, there is a guy there named Chuck who likes to flash headlights and slash at people's ankles with an axe. He has been targeting women with extremely huge butts, thin lips, skinny limbs, and greasy, matted, dandruff-laden hair. He puts razor blades in their food and arsenic in their beverages, and he goes online and tries to lure their daughters into underage cybersex, and he has poison perfume samples, tapes of babies crying, and terrible BO because he doesn't use cancer-causing de-odorant! He likes to microwave plastic, which we all know causes cancer as well, and he would like your money for Katrina and 911 victims, and he is working with the terrorists and the Mexicans (who we think are in cahoots anyway), and he could be hiding in the back seat of your car right now, waiting to slash your ankles and snatch your daughter or niece or any under-age girl who gets into the car with you, and this would never have happened if only our children were allowed to pray in school, and you had passed on every single good-luck friendship chain letter you ever received, to every single email address you ever heard of!

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T GO TO YOUR CAR! PASS THIS ALONG TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW. IT MIGHT SAVE THEIR LIFE. AND IF YOU DON'T PASS IT ALONG, I AM GOING TO TELL CHUCK AND HE WILL NO DOUBT COME FIND YOU BECAUSE HE KNOWS YOU HAVE AN ENORMOUS butt, thin lips, skinny limbs, and that you never wash your hair!

P.S.: God bless America!!!!!!

For the love of all things good, please don't send on this stuff to anybody. Please!

And when I repeatedly reply back to you and everyone else you forwarded it to saying "this is a hoax," don't get mad at me because you are a moron and can't figure out that John's Hopkins University would not publish a cancer study (with several misspelled words) in the form of a chain email.

Don't get hot under the collar when I use the "reply-all" function in my email to debunk a hoax that was sent to me by someone who put you, me, and everybody else under the sun in their list of email address for passing on junk to. I didn't get your address by myself, nor was I the one stupid enough to pass on the chain letter to you in the first place! Want to get mad at somebody for exposing your precious address to the whole world in the Cc field, yell at the idiot who sent the chain letter to both of us in the first place!

Do not send me this shart at work after insisting you need my work email "in case of emergencies."

Do not forward anything race or religion related. I'm not in the least paranoid about different races taking over my country and have no tolerance for people who are!

I know that God does not work through the disreputable means of spam, which chain email is part. I'm sure some religious hoaxes and chain email rants are actually originated by anti-Christian twits who just want to see if they can fool and manipulate religious people into passing on their dreck!!

I know that just because something claims to be from God, doesn't make it so. Chain email does not come from god, nor is it any substitute or even a good way of showing what a good friend you are and how much you apparently care about me!

Don't pass around fake petitions claiming that our children are in danger if I don't type my name at the bottom of this email and forward it to everyone I know.

Please don't send stuff about "baby killers" or about marriage being "in danger" in email forwards.

Please don't send forwards telling me that there will be no social security left for me because of those blasted Mexicans or whatever race of the month is currently prey to the racial paranoid chain emails going around.

Please don't send emails with pictures that don't load.... or with pictures that do (unless they are pictures you actually took).

Quit forwarding videos of some stupid kid putting maxi pads all over himself, which I think could possibly be construed as child porn.

Stop forwarding stupid quotes supposedly from famous people. 50% are bogus or misquoted anyway.

Stop passing on lists of supposed facts and trivia. They are often not facts at all and a trip over to any hoax debunking site can debunk a good lot of them.

Stop sending these annoying "Getting to know you" surveys that asks an endless number of pointless, meaningless questions such as what color my kitchen dishes are and if I like croutons or bacon bits on my salad. (I don't even like salad.) Those things are so long and time consuming, and the questions differ just a bit with every time these surveys come around, I'm sick of getting them, nor could I remember all of my friends' answers to those pointless questions let alone care to fill out the infernal thing as well, only to get another one almost like it a week later!

Don't send me joke forwards! I know they are still chain email, especially after getting the same stupid jokes in my email from different sources twenty times within the last ten years! There are plenty of humor sites where all the forwarded jokes are archived! If you like them, go there and have fun, but please, don't circulate more copies of it all over the net.

Don't send the chain letter that offers excuses for sending chain email! I.E. "I care about you. So, I forward jokes. Now, if you care about your friends, please pass this on to let them know, and next time you get a joke in your email, please please please know someone cares very very very deeply for you! Pass this on and share the caring!"

Stop forwarding any religious whining chain email that tells me Christianity is in danger and I can save it and be a better Christian and show everybody else what a good Christian I am by passing on the chain and spamming everyone with copies of the forward all over the net! I'll scream especially loud if you send me one that whinges on about how joke emails are being forwarded many times more than religious chain email because everybody's afraid to admit to believing in God! I've been on the internet for years. I can recognize a chain letter manipulation when I see it, and in my experience, I've received just as many religious chain email forwards as jokes!

Stop passing on glurge chain email in any form, from stories to make me cry to poems or sayings about "mom stuff" or "friendship" "I've learned" "I believe" "A simple friend VS a true friend" "the virtues of a hug" "the virtues of a smile" "Friendship is like" "Love is like" "If I could catch a rainbow for you" "Internet ten commandments" "Email prayer of kids" "The darndest things kids say" "Kids on love" "Kids on the Bible" "How good it is to be a woman" or anything like that in a forward. If it's a chain letter forward, it's been around the net and back a million times or it will be soon, and it's phony!

Please. Please. PLEASE STOP PASSING ON THIS SHART.

Please remember that when you're tempted to send sayings and quotes about "God" and "His glory." in chain email forwards!